


I'll Admit I Feel Alone

by 5seconds_of_jessica



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Lashton - Freeform, Lots of Angst, M/M, Smut, amnesia based, idefk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 06:32:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1888560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5seconds_of_jessica/pseuds/5seconds_of_jessica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton wanted Luke to learn to live without him so he did. Ashton got a girlfriend and Luke was okay, the two even started to become friends again. Until Luke performs a song he wrote and it brings up tons of old emotions</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll Admit I Feel Alone

**Author's Note:**

> OKay so hi! I haven't updated my chaptered fic in forever but I promise I will! This was just kind of to get my juices flowing again and it's pretty much based entirely on Amnesia by 5 seconds of summer (also where the title is from) because their lyric video messed me up.
> 
> ALSO I'm fully aware that Luke did not write Amnesia but this is fan FICTION so just deal. 
> 
> Love you all (: please comment/kudos maybe? 
> 
> I wrote this over a span of two nights when I couldn't sleep so it kind of sucks and it's my first time publishing anything with smut but I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ALSO FEEL FREE TO SEND ME PROMPTS of any 5sos x 5sos pairing (:

Luke was trying to be happy. He really was. It wasn’t that he was unhappy per say. He was touring the world with his best friends, had millions of fans who adored him, and he was doing what he loved. But so much had changed since their last tour and he wasn’t really looking forward to it as much as he should have been. 

Let me explain, Luke and Ashton used to date. It was perfect. Everyone who knew about their relationship (which was really just Michael, Calum, and their families) thought they would get married and live happily ever after. They were that couple. You would never find one without the other and they were always laughing or cuddled into each other and they just looked _happy_. And when their two best friends were happy, it just made Michael and Calum all that more happy and things were looking up for the boys. They rocked every show, gained more fans, and started writing more music. Everything was perfect. 

Until it wasn’t. 

Luke wasn’t really the type to fall in love, or at least he never thought he would be. Many people had assumed that he was just emotionally unavailable, until he fell for Ashton. But the thing about Luke is he doesn’t fall easily but when he does, he falls hard. Ashton hadn’t minded at first. He loved being Luke’s rock and Luke acted as if Ashton was the sun. He did anything to make the curly haired boy happy but it got to the point where he was so dependent on Ashton that Ash couldn’t handle it anymore. 

“You need to learn to be happy without me.” That’s what Ashton had said when they broke up after almost a year of dating. But Luke, he didn’t want to be happy without Ashton. Everything was so much brighter when he could call the older boy his. It was like he saw life in a whole different way and even with the stresses of the band and keeping their relationship a secret, he had never been happier. 

It started off slow at first. Ashton would go out with Mikey or Cal instead of staying home with Luke or he would want to be left alone completely for a little while. That didn’t really make sense to Luke because he always wanted to be around Ashton. Toward the end of their relationship, things were pretty bad for all four boys. 

Ashton would leave their shared house for long periods of time during the day, leaving a mopey Luke behind and neither Michael nor Calum knew what to do to make the youngest happy. They would cuddle him, watch movies with him, or play stupid video games and let him win. But it was never enough. Luke wasn’t happy without his sun. And so when the two officially ended it, they had all kind of seen it coming but that didn’t make it easier for any of them to handle it.

Ashton loved Luke, with all of his heart. But growing up without a dad, he had his two younger siblings and his mom relying on him for everything. And now that he finally had some independence and freedom, he couldn’t go back to having someone depend on him like that. And Luke depended on him more than anything. It broke his heart to end things and Ashton kind of always hoped that it wouldn’t be permanent. That maybe Luke would grow more into himself, become a little more confident and be able to live without Ashton constantly there to make him happy. 

But then Hannah happened. 

She was just a girl that Ashton had met when he had gone out with some friends to try to avoid Luke after the whole break up. She was sweet and cute, funny and independent. But she wasn’t Luke. However, with all the Lashton shippers out there who were growing more and more suspicious as they days wore on, management thought that Hannah would be the perfect solution. 

Ashton really didn’t mind, he did like her and he wanted something to get his mind off of Luke and how miserable he looked all the time. So slowly but surely, him and Hannah became a thing and when Ashton told the boys, Luke looked genuinely happy for him and he didn’t know if he should be hurt by that or not. 

Luke, well, he wasn’t happy. But he was trying to show Ashton, show everyone that he could be happy without him so he just smiled and congratulated him. The only time he let it show that he was really hurt over the whole thing was the first time Ashton confirmed his relationship with Hannah in an interview. He had been on the verge of tears and hadn’t said anything for the rest of the interview for fear that he might start crying. Somehow, he had managed to hold it together and later, had become the middle of a Michael and Calum snuggle session. 

Now it had been six months since he and Ashton had broken up and about a month since Hannah and Ashton had become a thing. For all intents and purposes, Luke appeared happy. He didn’t shut himself off and sometimes he would even hang out with just Ashton and the two of them would giggle about the most ridiculous things and it almost felt normal. Luke didn’t know if he could ever truly be happy without Ashton but he was trying and it showed. 

One thing that did help him though, was writing. Which was why he was excited to meet with the Madden brothers and make some amazing music. They were all sitting around, Luke strumming at his guitar with no real rhythm in mind when everything changed. 

“Hey Luke, did you write this?” Joel asked, holding up Luke’s black notebook, his fingers spread out to show the page he had been reading. Luke felt his throat go tight and he nodded his head, recognizing the word _Amnesia_ written at the top. The song was so clearly written about Ashton that it was almost pathetic but the writing helped more than anything else. 

“It’s really good, did you have an idea of how you wanted it to sound?” 

And that’s how Luke had ended up spending five hours, strumming and messing around with chords to one of the deepest songs he had ever written. It hit home more than ever and he really wanted to tell the brothers that it was personal and he really didn’t think it was something the band should sing but they loved the song and the pure emotion that came out of Luke as they worked on it made it impossible for Luke to deny them. They had to change a few things around to make it sound like it was written about a girl, for obvious reasons, but overall, Luke was extremely proud of the song. 

“I’m calling up the boys and telling them to stop by. Luke, you can play it for them.” Benji said with a smile as he disappeared with his phone. Luke’s palms instantly started sweating but he wanted, no needed, to play this song. Needed Ashton to listen and realize what the hell he had done to him. 

So half an hour later, Michael, Calum, and Ashton were sitting on a couch in the studio while Luke sat on a stool across from them. Michael and Calum were both excited to hear the song after hearing that Luke had written the lyrics on his own but Ashton, he looked even more excited, even proud. 

“Go on Lukey, I can’t wait to hear it.” Ashton said with a smile. He knew Luke was talented and he’d always loved hearing Luke sing with nothing but his guitar. It gave him such fond memories of the times they would sit around doing absolutely nothing and Ashton would beg Luke to sing to him, stealing kisses between verses. 

Luke gave them all a smile before beginning to play. His eyes never left Ashton’s and the other boy’s could feel the tension in the room before he’d even began to sing. 

_I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted_  
 _I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted_  
 _And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine_  
 _Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?_  
 _When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?_  
 _Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?_  
 _If what we had was real, how could you be fine?_  
 _'Cause I'm not fine at all_

Ashton’s smile slowly started fading off his face as he sat there in stunned silence. This...this couldn’t be a song about him could it? 

_I remember the day you told me you were leaving_  
 _I remember the make-up running down your face_  
 _And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them_  
 _Like every single wish we ever made_  
 _I wish that I could wake up with amnesia_  
 _And forget about the stupid little things_  
 _Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you_  
 _And the memories I never can escape_  
 _'Cause I'm not fine at all_

Michael and Calum were sharing uneasy looks between the two of them but even though Luke was clearly nervous, they could see the sweat shining along his hairline, he never took his eyes off Ashton. 

_The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone_  
 _I’ll admit I like to see them, I’ll admit I feel alone_  
 _And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around_  
 _It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on_  
 _It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long_

Ashton could feel his eyes start to prickle with the beginning of tears but he held them back. He kept his hazel eyes locked on Luke’s bright blue ones as sat there, torn between being hurt and feeling guilty. He could see all of the emotions and hurt right there on display, how he had ruined this perfect boy and all of his pain was all Ashton’s fault. He felt like he was going to throw up. 

_It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?_  
 _If what we had was real, how could you be fine?_  
 _'Cause I'm not fine at all_  
 _I remember the day you told me you were leaving_  
 _I remember the make-up running down your face_  
 _And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them_  
 _Like every single wish we ever made_  
 _I wish that I could wake up with amnesia_  
 _And forget about the stupid little things_  
 _Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you_  
 _And the memories I never can escape_

As Luke finished the chorus once more, he was worried he had made the wrong decision. What if Ashton just got mad at him? But could he really be mad that Luke was expressing his feelings in the only way he knew how? But for once, Luke wasn’t doing something for Ashton or to make Ashton happy. He was doing something for himself and that’s what Ashton had wanted after all. He could see the shininess of Ashton’s eyes and he could feel his own eyes start to get hot from holding back the tears. 

_If today I woke up with you right beside me_  
 _Like all of this was just some twisted dream_  
 _I'd hold you closer than I ever did before_  
 _And you'd never slip away_  
 _And you'd never hear me say_

Luke’s voice cracked on the last two lines, it being obvious that he was on the verge of tears but if anything, it made the song sound more powerful and for a second, he was worried he wouldn’t even finish out the song. At this point, a few tears had already ran down Ashton’s face but he had to finish the song. He’d come this far. 

_I remember the day you told me you were leaving_  
 _I remember the make-up running down your face_  
 _And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them_  
 _Like every single wish we ever made_  
 _I wish that I could wake up with amnesia_  
 _And forget about the stupid little things_  
 _Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you_  
 _And the memories I never can escape_

Ashton was crying. He was crying almost as hard as Luke had all those nights after Ashton had broken his heart. And it hurt something deep inside Luke because he hadn’t meant for that. He just wanted the other boy to know how he felt. 

_'Cause I'm not fine at all_  
 _No, I'm really not fine at all_  
 _Tell me this is just a dream_  
 _'Cause I'm really not fine at all_

As soon as the song ended, Ashton was out of the room, running to the van that waited to take them back to their place. He sat stunned, with no sounds except for his sobs that he tried to muffle so the driver wouldn’t think he was an absolute freak show. 

Luke sighed as he sat his guitar down, wiping a few tears from his eyes as he packed up his things and turned to look at Michael and Calum.

“Honestly, that was an amazing song. But uh...do you think you’d even be able to play it? Live I mean. It’s kind of heavy for you...and Ash.” Mikey was the only one brave enough to say what they had all been thinking. 

“I don’t know. I think so. Maybe.” He replied in a whisper before all three of them headed out to the van. 

By the time they got there, Ashton had collected himself and was just staring aimlessly out the window. No conversation was really taking place as the atmosphere was too thick with emotion but Ashton wouldn’t have participated anyway. 

The second they pulled up to the house Ashton rushed out and headed straight for his room, slamming the door in the process. He crawled up on his bed, bringing his knees to his chest as he tried to keep from crying again. Why would Luke do that? If he wanted to get back at Ashton for making such a foolish decision, he had definitely done that. He thought things between the two of them were finally starting to become normal and then...this. It was clear that Luke didn’t forgive him and Ashton honestly didn’t blame him. He liked Hannah, but he had never been as happy with her as he was with Luke. He still felt like a piece of him was missing and maybe he missed being Luke’s sunshine. 

He was pulled from his thoughts when he heard a knock on his door. 

“Go away!” He yelled pathetically, wishing he had locked the door because now someone was coming in. 

Oh great. Of course it was Luke.

“I said, go away.” He huffed out, hoping Luke would listen to him like he always had before. 

But Luke wasn’t listening this time. These past six months had been hard but he had finally grown up just like Ashton had wanted him to and he was standing his ground. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you.” He started, closing the door behind him and walking over to Ashton. 

“Why, Luke? Why would you write that song?” He asked, his throat cracking and his eyes threatening to spill over with tears again. 

“I had to cope. After losing the most important thing in the world to me, it was the only way I knew how.” He replied, shrugging his shoulders and wishing he knew what Ashton wanted from him. 

“Do you mean it?” Ashton asked, his voice surprisingly cold, sending shivers down Luke’s spine.

“Mean what?” He asked hesitantly. 

“Do you wish you could wake up and forget everything we had?” There was an anger in his eyes that Luke didn’t quite understand and he found himself backing up as Ashton began to stand up. “Would that make it easier for you if you could erase the memories? Forget that we meant the world to each other?” Ashton was full on screaming now and Luke could feel his blood starting to boil. How dare Ashton get angry at him when he had left Luke no choice but to want to forget what he could no longer have. 

“Well, don’t you? You have your happy little life with Hannah, and it’s clear that you don’t need me anymore! I get it. I needed you more than you needed me but fuck, Ash. You don’t have to rub it in my face!” Luke yelled back, his hands threatening to pull out his own hair, torn between wanting to cry and wanting to punch Ashton in the face. 

“I’m not rubbing anything in your face! I’m trying to move on with my life! I’m trying to get over you.” The curly haired boy screamed back, inching closer and closer to Luke subconsciously. 

“Oh, that’s rich. Trying to get over me? YOU ended it, Ashton. Or did you conveniently forget that too?” Luke asked, a humorless laugh following afterwards as he threw his hands up in the air and began to walk out the door. 

“Fuck you, Luke! You don’t know anything about how hard it was. Being the person that you depended on for everything! I couldn’t do that anymore, but you don’t get that. Because it’s all about Luke the victim!” He yelled, watching as Luke just shook his head and started to walk out the door. 

“Wait. Don’t go.” Ashton whimpered out, catching Luke off guard. Never a day in Luke’s life had he heard the boy be so vulnerable and need anyone else. So the tall blond stopped, but he didn’t turn around, his hand already on the doorknob. 

“I miss you. I miss you so much and I’m so sorry. I wanted you to learn how to be happy without me and in the process I learned that I’m not as happy without you. Please. Don’t go.” Ashton’s voice had started out small but it got stronger and more confident with each word and Luke found himself on the verge of crying once again. He slowly turned around and saw that Ashton was crying despite the fact that his voice was firm. 

“I’m sorry, Ash. I don’t know what you want me to say. You have Hannah now and I can’t let you hurt me again.” Luke replied, his back pressed up against the door as he took deep breaths to try to calm his nerves. 

Ashton took a few steps forward until he was right in front of Luke, his hazel eyes meeting blue with full force. “Hannah isn’t you, and I promise on my life I will never, ever hurt you again.” He stood up on his tiptoes, trying to press his lips to Luke’s but Luke leaned his head back just out of reach. A whiny noise escaped from the back of Ashton’s throat as he fell back flat footed and stared up at Luke like he had just kicked a puppy or something. The hurt was written all over his face and Luke felt all of his walls crumbling down. 

Without thinking, Luke wrapped one arm around Ashton’s waist and the other one around the back of his neck, pulling him up just a bit until their lips met. The kiss started off slow and gentle but became more as they grew hungry for each other, finally giving in to something they had wanted over the past six months. Luke began backing Ashton up to the bed, pulling away just a bit to mumble words against his lips. 

“I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to forget about us. I’m sorry, god I’m so sorry.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to his lips in between each word as they stumbled and fell back on the bed. Ashton wrapped his arms around Luke’s neck and his legs around his waist as he pulled the younger boy flesh against him on the bed.

He couldn’t say anything but whimper and moan as the kiss intensified, Luke’s hands trailing down to Ashton’s waist as he pushed under his shirt. Ashton wasted no time in sitting up and pulling his shirt off and throwing it somewhere in the room. 

“Ashton.” Luke started but was interrupted when the older boy was pulling Luke’s shirt off of him. He allowed it before stopping the boy’s hands when they reached for his belt buckle. “Ash, wait. We shouldn’t be doing this. What about Hannah?” He asked, trying to be the sensible one for once in his life. Ashton wasn’t having any of that though and instead brought his hand up to Luke’s neck, pulling him down so they were eye to eye. 

“I don’t care, Luke. I don’t love Hannah. I love you. Please, Luke. Please fuck me.” Luke tried to spot any hesitancy in the other’s eyes but couldn’t find anything but lust and a hint of what might possibly be love, in them. 

Luke kissed Ashton back hard after that, quickly getting rid of the rest of their clothes before leaning over to get lube and a condom. When they used to have sex, Ashton would be on top. He was always the more dominant one in the relationship and Luke relied on him to make him feel good. But this time, he could see how vulnerable Ashton was and he wanted to take care of his baby. 

“This is gonna hurt a little bit,” Luke mumbled pressing kisses to Ashton’s face as he took his slick finger and teased around Ashton’s hole before pushing in gently. He could see the discomfort clear on Ashton’s face, knowing he wasn’t used to bottoming and definitely hadn’t in the past six months. 

He waited for him to adjust before moving his finger in and out until Ashton was pressing against him and begging for more. He slid in a second finger, distracting Ashton from the stretch by taking his cock into his mouth. It seemed to work as Ashton quickly tangled his fingers into Luke’s hair, not pushing him down further just having something to hold on to. Luke, who had a thing for hair pulling, moaned around Ashton as he quickly added a third finger, pumping in and out of Ashton at a steady pace until Ash was basically fucking himself on Luke’s fingers. 

“Luke, fuck. God, Luke, I’m ready. Please.” He nearly cried, moving his hands to the bedsheets as Luke kneeled up. He wiped away the spit from his mouth and rolled the condom on, adding more lube than he needed to to keep from hurting the boy he loved. 

He pushed all the way in and stilled once he bottomed out, Ashton’s eyes were squeezed shut as he tried to adjust to the feeling of Luke once again buried deep in him, something he hadn’t had in a long time. 

“Ashton, look at me.” Luke replied as he was now leaning over Ashton, his big body completely covering the small blond beneath him. Both of Luke’s arms were resting on either side of Ashton’s head as he smiled down at the boy beneath him. Ashton slowly opened his eyes, drinking in the bright blue in front of him and the boy he loved with all of his heart. And reflecting back in those eyes, he saw Luke looking at him like he was the sun and everything he needed to breathe and for once, he was okay with that. Ashton wanted to be the only thing Luke would ever need. He held on tightly to Luke so their bodies were completely entwined before whispering. “Please move. I need you.” 

And so Luke did. He gave everything he had to Ashton with every push and pull, slamming into him like he’d never have the chance to again, wanting to communicate how much he loved him and never wanted him to leave him again. Once he switched up the angle a bit, he found that spot that made Ashton scream out in pleasure, his hold tightening on Luke.

“Oh god, yes right there.” 

“Keep going Lukey, don’t stop.” 

“Yes, yes, yes I love you.” 

Those phrases were repeated many times by Ashton, only accompanied by their mixed moans and pants of each other’s names as they both chased after their high. Luke and Ashton kept their eyes locked on each other the entire time, making passionate love, something they had never really done, as Luke reached a hand down and wrapped it around Ashton’s red and aching cock, matching his pumps with his thrusts in and out of the boy who was falling apart. 

They were both already covered in sweat but then Ashton hit his high, screaming out Luke’s name so loud that there was no way Michael and Calum hadn’t heard them but neither of them cared. Luke watching Ashton fall apart and feeling the vice like grip around him was enough to make him come, moaning Ashton’s name continuously into the other boy’s neck. 

Luke continued to thrust, riding out their highs until he finally collapsed on top of Ashton, panting as he tried to catch his breath. He finally collected himself enough to pull out, take the condom off and discard it somewhere on the floor to deal with later. He fell on the bed next to Ashton who hadn’t said a word after screaming his name as loud as he could and his breaths were still uneven. 

“Do you mean it?” Luke finally asked, breaking the silence and repeating Ashton’s question from earlier. 

“Mean what?” Ashton asked this time.

“Do you love me?” Luke asked, his eyes fixed on the ceiling to avoid the rejection he was sure he was going to face.

“More than anyone in this world.” Ashton replied quietly, his eyes locked on the boy next to him. Luke was so beautiful and he wondered how he had ever let him go. Luke might see Ashton as the sun but Ashton saw Luke as an angel. A pretty blue eyed angel who had cared about nothing but making Ashton happy and Ash had thrown that all away. 

“But what -” Luke started but was quickly cut off by Ashton.

“I’ll break up with her. In a bit. But I need you to make a decision. Either you tell me you love me still and cuddle me or get out so I can be alone.” His voice was firm as he fidgeted with his fingers, waiting for Luke to make a decision. 

Luke stood up, causing Ashton’s heart to break and he was on the verge of crying again when Luke shut off the light and came back to the bed, pulling the covers over them and pulling Ashton to hold him closer than he ever had before. “I love you. So much.” 

With that, they fell asleep.

And Michael and Calum, well an hour later they took out their headphones and sighed in relief when they realized their two best friend’s were no longer banging in the room next door but in all honesty, they couldn’t be happier. Maybe things were looking up again.


End file.
